Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

Well, its been a while. We here at Whats On Your Mind Bill have been rather immersed in a summer drinking flurry. The downward trend of entries, is in direct relation to an upward swing in McDonald's consumption. For shame.


Alas, a new entry is to follow featuring Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, statesman, army officer, revolutionary, and first President of Turkey.



So without further a do, Whats on Your Mind Mustafa?

MKA: I am so happy for Roberto.

WOYMB: Pardon?

MKA: Robbie. You know, the greatest second baseman who ever lived. Are you going to catch the fucking taste, or not?

WOYMB: Oh! Ok, ya, Roberto Alomar! I heard he was just inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

MKA: Yes, you idiot. It is a superb honour. I have sent invitations for him to join me in my Bath. We will lie naked in oil, and become limber. Then we will take our naked and limber bodies to my batting cages, and hit dingers. Then we will have fruit punch, and watch the time when he hit that homerun off of Dennis Eckersley, in the playoffs.

WOYMB: Ya, that was quite the dong - however, can we talk about your rise to power, in Turkey, and your distingu-

MKA: No. Today is about Robert. I have also glove for him to sign. Also I have picked out a pair of my underpants, and have requested that he wear them during our exercising. I will then do private things with them.

WOYMB: That seems a little much, don't you think.

MKA: You are ignorant to my passions, sir. You are not a Robbie fan.

WOYBM: I like him just fine...I just wouldn't ask him to wear my underpants. It just seems kind of, you know, weird...So has he got back to you yet?

MKA: No. Turkish post is slow, as is the request of the Turkish People. Slow mail service is one of the pillars of our country. Also bathing in baths, and wearing underpants covered in the sweat of great major league baseball players. He should receive the notice within 90 days.

WOYMB: I'm not so sure that he will go for it.

MKA: You would not say that if you saw the fine paper that I wrote the request on. It was nice paper.

WOYMB: I'm going to leave now.

MKA: Leave your underpants.

Viktor Hambardzumyan

Well. Why not, right? Whats on Your Mind Bill presents famed Soviet-Armenian scientist, and one of the founders of theoretical astrophysics, Viktor Hambardzumyan!!!

So Viktor, whats on your mind?


VK: I am imaging a Universe, in which Banana's taste like Cheeseburgers, and the possession of these items will make you irresistible to the females, whom are equip with 3 vaginal openings.

WOYMB: Holy shit - What?

VK: I am sure that this exists - look...

WOYMB: Viktor, these are just scribbles on a napkin, and in the corner here it says 'creamed corn'. What the hell is going on here, dude?

VK: I have a space ship, you know? It features rockets, and lasers. I am having my comrade Bogdan install a special Space-Jukebox, so as to rock to my Compact Disc of Bad for Good: The Very Best of Scorpions. In space I will listen to 'No One Like You', and on Planet Zertroid I will cry into a bowl, while listening to 'Winds of Change'. I will be Emperor of Zertroid, as you are well aware.

WOYMB: I feel like you're a little over my head, here Vik...

VK: No fear, comrade. On Zertroid, you will have a special crevasse in which to fondle your body, and Zertroid fems will soothe you with their openings...But first I must inject you with this serum.

WOYMB: No injections for me, thanks. In fact, I think I should probably be heading out now...

VK: Insert your body into mine, and begin an adventure untold by Hollywood Minds.

WOYMB: Goodbye.

Domingo Faustino Sarmiento

The overwhelmingly positive response to Whats on Your Mind Bill is nothing short of Miraculous!

We are in tears of joy! Our tattered rags, and cardboard flooring rendered damp from happiness - and its all thanks to you, readers! Lets get to it then, shall we;

This installment features Activist, Intellectual, Writer, and 7th President of Argentina, Domingo Faustino Sarmiento!




So Domingo, whats on your mind?

DFS: I have lost Chorizo! My heart is shattered.

WOYMB: Dude, that sucks? Did it fall in the grooves of the 'Q or something? Happens alllll the time, and its always the best looking piece, eh?

DFS: No you fool! Chorizo is my Dog - my Dachshund! My poor Chorizo is gone - slipped out of the back gate, in the cool night air - and I am weeping for him today, sir.

WOYMB: So you didn't lose any pork then? Man, that's a relief! You had me going there!

DFS: You are more concerned with a tube of meat, that an actual Dog? You are not a good person.

WOYMB: Well, the Dog is kinda like a tube of meat anyway, right? When you think about it....

DFS: I am not happy with you.

WOYMB: ...And plus, I wouldn't even worry too much about it - if he slipped out of your back gate, its pretty wild out there, and I'm sure he was eaten pretty quick by Wolves, you know?

DFS: You are either a terrible person, or extremely stupid.

WOYMB: So listen, have you got any sausage? I'm famished!!!

DFS [begins to weep]

Niko Pirosmani

Unstoppable! Whats on Your Mind Bill's run of interviewing people featured on various World Currencies, continues!

This week, its famed Georgian painter Niko Pirosmani!
Shall we?

So, Niko, whats on your mind?

NP: I have mustache...Woman lust for Niko's mouth hair. Niko does not care what they want. Niko is for the eating of the paints!

WOYMB: You eat paint, Niko?

NP: Da.

WOYMB: Ya, I, uh...I guess that explains why the mouth region of your face is purple. Its paint, eh Niko?

NP: Da.

WOYMB: And, I suppose that the paint eating has a lot to do with why you're not wearing pants.

NP: Da.

WOYMB: And how you're playing with your penis?

NP: Da.

WOYMB: Well, Niko I think that is inappropriate. I am trying to conduct a serious interview with you, and you showed up pantless, having eaten paint, and are now masturbating right infront of me. For shame, Niko.

NP: NIKO OWNS HORSE! NIKO LIVES IN WATER BASIN!

WOYMB: Jesus Christ.

NP: NIKO IS SAD BABY!

WOYMB: There is paint everywhere...You know what; I'm done...

NP: AUUUUUGHGGHGHHGHGGHGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

George Kastrioti Skanderbeg

Well, its summertime, and I know what you're all thinking; when the heck are you going to interview 15th Century Albanian Lord George Kastrioti Skanderbeg? Well folks, we did it! We got Skandy Skanderbeg! Lets do it to it!

So, Whats on your mind Skanderbeg?

GKS: I am forlorn.

WOYMB: Ya, I couldn't help but notice. You look so sad, Skandy. Do you want some Peek Freans?

GKS: Sure. Do you have anymore of the round ones with the red stuff in the middle?

WOYMB: Shit. Sorry skandy, I already gorfed those all up, before you popped in. My bad.

GKS: Ugh, could my life get any fucking worse?

WOYMB: Its just a cookie, Skando.

GKS: Yes, but, that lack of cookie, combined with my recent poor fortune, puts me in a heavy wallowing state.

WOYMB: Recent poor fortune, eh? Ya, again, you do like kind of sad. What happened Skanderson?

GKS: My washing machine tore up my favourite pair of underwear.

WOYMB: Damn, dude, that blows.

GKS: Yes. You know the ones that you wear on a hot date, or to a wedding or some shit like that? Your number one, go to's in the rotation?

WOYMB: Ya man, that must be a tough loss, for you on a very personal level.

GKS: I have had seven wives slain by my own hand, and the hands of various enemies. The underwear loss crushes those. And to top it all off, its super hot here! Sitting on a plastic chair for more than 10 minutes? Ya right, pal. You might as well pour a glass of water on the ass region of my robe. My fucking swagger is gone. I cant even look people in the eyes. They were so Goddamed comfortable. Reliable too; like a good serf. I have shit stains on my robe now, too! Not a friggin' thing I can do about THAT I tell ya!

WOYMB: Well, I really feel for you on this one Skriggly Skroaty Skanderson. You're in a dark place, garment-wise.

GKS: Tell me about it....

Mr. Franklin

Its Back, and bigger than ever (subjectively)! Whats on Your Mind Bill has the pleasure of talking to a legendary political theorist, inventor, satirist, etc...An original Founding Father of the United States, Benjamin Franklin!!

Lets have at it:


WOYMB: So Ben, whats on your mind?

BF: Feet.

WOYMB: Um...Feet? I uh, right...So how do you feel about being highly sought after by the Hip Hop community sir! Honoured?

BF: Yes, I am honoured. It certainly is often times, all about 'myself'. However, one must not misrepresent me. Nasir Jones suggests that he would like "Dead Presidents" to represent him. I however was never President!

WOYMB: That is an excellent point Mr. Franklin! So, why is it then, that you never became president of the United States?

BF: Well, I suppose I would chalk it up to my wide ranging mosaic of interests. I felt as though being president would stymie my ability to pursue other facets of knowledge and discovery...That and my insatiable lust for feet.

WOYMB: Again with the feet! Is there something you want to get off your chest, Ben?

BF: Well, there certainly is something that I would like to get ON my chest; your feet, you filthy bastard! Take off your shoes! Let me see your jiblets!

WOYMB: Jesus! I think Ill pass Ben! Can we just get back on topic please!

BF: Certainly, certainly...My apologies...Just let me take a look at them...

WOYMB: No! Ben! Seriously, dude. Your getting pretty weird here. That look in your eyes has me spooked pretty good...

BF: Dip your feet in tar, and walk on my body.

WOYMB: Holy Fuck! Are you kidding me?!

BF: Feed your feet to my mouth. Call me a Walrus, and step on my face. I will give you 100 shillings.

WOYMB: Goddamn it, Ben!

BF: Make it 200 if you let me wear a large diaper. Not to worry, I already have a Man-Crib. We are well sorted...

WOYMB: I...

BF: 500!

Mr. Bello

Well, we're back again! The folks at Whats on Your Mind Bill, have managed to secure another interview with a World Leader! Impressive to say the least!!

Today we have the honour of speaking with Ahmadu Bello, the first Premier of North Nigeria!!

So, lets get to it shall we; whats on your mind Ahmadu?

AB: Well, (chuckles) do you know when you see a cat get stuck in a box? It is cute when they do that, yes? I like this.

WOYMB: Yes indeed it is, sir. I'm always entertained by the YouTube videos, and the like...

AB: Yes. They are very fun. I spend hours watching the cats get stuck in the boxes, and it makes me smile.

WOYMB: That's interesting, Ahmadu. So, if you don't mind, can I ask you about your garb? Are you fashioning a rudimentary space outfit, or perhaps some sort of Knight armour?

AB: NO! I am not doing those things. I am hiding! I am covering!


WOYMB: Hiding? Covering? From what?

AB: My neck. It brings me great shame. It once brought me great pride. Now pure shame, and much anger.

WOYMB: Wow. Why is that Ahmadu?

AB: Are you familiar with the Hip-Hop/Rap artist Gucci Mane?

WOYMB: Umm...Yes....

AB: That man stole from me!

WOYMB: What?

AB: Yes, he stole! I had him to my compound, for a sexual party, and he was enthralled, once he saw my traditional tattoo.

WOYMB: I...

AB: Yes, I am covering my neck to hide the tattoo that covers it. The tattoo of a Banana Split, that represents all that I am. He had the dishonour of stealing my tattoo! But, an ice cream cone? That has nothing to do with honour. The Banana Spilt is the most honourable of desserts. An Ice Cream cone? A folly of man. A disrespect to the Banana Split and everything it stands for.

WOYMB: So, your neck garb is covering your tattoo of a Banana Split, because you are ashamed that rapper Gucci Mane, copied you with his cheek tattoo of an ice cream cone?

AB: EXACTLY. I am in hell.

WOYMB: Yes you are. Poor, poor Ahmadu...