Ivan Franko

The winter months are fading fast, and we here at Whats On Your Mind Bill have been working so steadfastly, that we have yet to indulge in any Hot Cocoa!

Its a tough life, when you're striving for perfection, in the realm of interviewing World Currencies. Family life becomes secondary, social engagements wane...(mind you, a large priority is still placed on masturbation)...

Lets get to it shall we; today we are proud to play host to Ivan Franko, Ukranian Novelist, Social Activist, and Pioneering Poet!

So, Whats on your mind, Ivan?

IF: Look at me in my eyes. Let me take you.

WOYMB: I don't think I understand what you want...

IF: Gaze upon me, you meek little Rabbit. Do you know that I own a 1974 Porsche 914? It is only known one in Ukraine. You are impressed by this.

WOYMB: Well, not really. Buddy of mine's Uncle owned one like that, and it was kind of a shitty ride...

IF: Please do not tell me lies. I see on your face your jealousy. It is perfect condition, and I am only 3rd owner. I have made fantasies come true to women, in my Porsche. Wild nights, my friend.

WOYMB: Ok, fine.

IF: You really are fed up with me and my vehicle, eh my friend?! Like a fish on the sand, watching a river, you are in need of my Porsche, but you cannot have it. You are torn inside, and my Porsche hurts you. Like my first wife, you look at me with rage; "How does he afford such luxury, in this cold Country" you ask.

WOYMB: Its really not that big of a deal...

IF: I have been personally invited to all of the castles of the Ukraine, to dine on luxury Potato dishes, and mingle and frisk tall women, who possess fine features, and smooth slits. 1974 Porchse, has brought these things to me.

WOYMB: You must be proud of yourself.

IF: It goes up to 112 km/h.

WOYMB: That's not that fast, Ivan.

IF: A bolt of lightning cracking a mountain top from heaven, is not fast? Your interpretation of speed is juvenile.

WOYMB: Can we go for a ride then, so I can experience this Porsche, as it seems to be all that you have to talk about?

IF: Your legs are too fat for its bearings, and your presence would sully the women about town. The answer is no.

WOYMB: OK, fuck it then. I'm out of here.

IF: Seventy Four!!!

Jorge Eliécer Gaitán Ayala

Well, its February 2012. What does that mean to us, here at Whats On Your Mind Bill? Well, in the grand scheme of things: absolutely nothing.

A meaningless month - in an End Year - calls for only one thing; an interview with former populist movement leader, and Mayor of Bogota, the charismatic Jorge Eliecer Gaitan Ayala!!!

So Jorge, Whats on your mind?

JEGA: Have you a daughter?

WOYMB: Pardon me, Jorge?

JEGA: A daughter? Have you one? I have some questions that I need to ask her in a closet.

WOYMB: Well, I feel as though we're getting a little off topic here, right away. Can we perhaps discuss your political career? I gather it was quite something.

JEGA: Yes. I certainly was blessed with a gift for politics, for strategy, and for leadership. I am proud of my accomplishments, after all, they were also the accomplishments of the Colombian People. Now; can you describe your daughter to me in exact physical detail?

WOYMB: Fuck, Jorge! Please I'm trying to cond-

JEGA: Is her skin soft as linen? I feel as though it is...

WOYMB: Listen - I don't have a daughter. Can we keep on track please...

JEGA: That is a classic lie, from a person who holds possession of a Soft Angel. May I please talk to her in my quarters for the evening? I will tell her my tales of bravery and courage. She may then choose to engage my genitalia.

WOYMB: Holy fuck man, didn't you hear me?

JEGA: I will build for her a frolicking garden, for her to frolic in. She will smell of rose peddles in the evening hours, and our lust will be forever entwined.

WOYMB: Okay, Jorge. Ive got to head out. Thanks for the chance to talk, I really appreciate it.

JEGA: I will send to you one lock of her hair, to remember her by. This is my word...

Hassanal Bolkiah

Well,


With a whisk of time, its 2012.

I must admit, we here at Whats On Your Mind Bill, have been steadfastly doing NOTHING.

...It was not necessarily a goal of ours to utterly perfect our own personal techniques of massaging, and caressing our pubic regions...


Perhaps then it is a good thing that we have taken clammy hands off bodies, and pulled up a chair with Hassanal Bolkiah, The Sultan of Brunei!!!!!


What an honour, I must say! So without further ado;

Whats On Your Mind, Hassanal?

HB: I am a whimsical fantasy man! In my study I have a Bald Eagle who is covered, daily, in Gold Flakes! I am training him to be a special bird, of gold and majesty. Soon I will enter him sexually, and the both of us will fly - as one - to the top of the highest mountain.

WOYMB: That sounds pretty insane, if you don't mind me saying so.

HB: Insane to the mind of a proletariat. Your poorly trimmed facial hair, and lack of overall jewels, allow me to discern that you do not have the passion or drive to have sexual intercourse with an Eagle covered in Gold. You are a but a foot stool, and I the Shoulders of Atlas.

WOYMB: Well, I gotta say you did a pretty good job of insulting me, in the most nonsensical manor I have ever experienced.

HB: Fair enough, I am sorry if I offended you and your idiocy. As apology, if you can guess the desert that is under my hat, I will give it to you.

WOYMB: Um, OK...Is it a Banana Cream Pie?

HB: Yes!! IT IS! You miraculous spec of dirt! You are a magic scientist. I am putting you on my pay roll, straight away. Your new life will see you ingesting a lot of Mir, and eating Pies off of my bathroom floor, while I insert cans of paint into a Hippo's Asshole!

WOYMB: Holy shit! That sounds pretty insane, and I think I'm gonna have to pass....

HB: Your salary will be $750,000 per month.

WOYMB: Where do I sign?