Ivan Franko

The winter months are fading fast, and we here at Whats On Your Mind Bill have been working so steadfastly, that we have yet to indulge in any Hot Cocoa!

Its a tough life, when you're striving for perfection, in the realm of interviewing World Currencies. Family life becomes secondary, social engagements wane...(mind you, a large priority is still placed on masturbation)...

Lets get to it shall we; today we are proud to play host to Ivan Franko, Ukranian Novelist, Social Activist, and Pioneering Poet!

So, Whats on your mind, Ivan?

IF: Look at me in my eyes. Let me take you.

WOYMB: I don't think I understand what you want...

IF: Gaze upon me, you meek little Rabbit. Do you know that I own a 1974 Porsche 914? It is only known one in Ukraine. You are impressed by this.

WOYMB: Well, not really. Buddy of mine's Uncle owned one like that, and it was kind of a shitty ride...

IF: Please do not tell me lies. I see on your face your jealousy. It is perfect condition, and I am only 3rd owner. I have made fantasies come true to women, in my Porsche. Wild nights, my friend.

WOYMB: Ok, fine.

IF: You really are fed up with me and my vehicle, eh my friend?! Like a fish on the sand, watching a river, you are in need of my Porsche, but you cannot have it. You are torn inside, and my Porsche hurts you. Like my first wife, you look at me with rage; "How does he afford such luxury, in this cold Country" you ask.

WOYMB: Its really not that big of a deal...

IF: I have been personally invited to all of the castles of the Ukraine, to dine on luxury Potato dishes, and mingle and frisk tall women, who possess fine features, and smooth slits. 1974 Porchse, has brought these things to me.

WOYMB: You must be proud of yourself.

IF: It goes up to 112 km/h.

WOYMB: That's not that fast, Ivan.

IF: A bolt of lightning cracking a mountain top from heaven, is not fast? Your interpretation of speed is juvenile.

WOYMB: Can we go for a ride then, so I can experience this Porsche, as it seems to be all that you have to talk about?

IF: Your legs are too fat for its bearings, and your presence would sully the women about town. The answer is no.

WOYMB: OK, fuck it then. I'm out of here.

IF: Seventy Four!!!

Jorge Eliécer Gaitán Ayala

Well, its February 2012. What does that mean to us, here at Whats On Your Mind Bill? Well, in the grand scheme of things: absolutely nothing.

A meaningless month - in an End Year - calls for only one thing; an interview with former populist movement leader, and Mayor of Bogota, the charismatic Jorge Eliecer Gaitan Ayala!!!

So Jorge, Whats on your mind?

JEGA: Have you a daughter?

WOYMB: Pardon me, Jorge?

JEGA: A daughter? Have you one? I have some questions that I need to ask her in a closet.

WOYMB: Well, I feel as though we're getting a little off topic here, right away. Can we perhaps discuss your political career? I gather it was quite something.

JEGA: Yes. I certainly was blessed with a gift for politics, for strategy, and for leadership. I am proud of my accomplishments, after all, they were also the accomplishments of the Colombian People. Now; can you describe your daughter to me in exact physical detail?

WOYMB: Fuck, Jorge! Please I'm trying to cond-

JEGA: Is her skin soft as linen? I feel as though it is...

WOYMB: Listen - I don't have a daughter. Can we keep on track please...

JEGA: That is a classic lie, from a person who holds possession of a Soft Angel. May I please talk to her in my quarters for the evening? I will tell her my tales of bravery and courage. She may then choose to engage my genitalia.

WOYMB: Holy fuck man, didn't you hear me?

JEGA: I will build for her a frolicking garden, for her to frolic in. She will smell of rose peddles in the evening hours, and our lust will be forever entwined.

WOYMB: Okay, Jorge. Ive got to head out. Thanks for the chance to talk, I really appreciate it.

JEGA: I will send to you one lock of her hair, to remember her by. This is my word...

Hassanal Bolkiah

Well,


With a whisk of time, its 2012.

I must admit, we here at Whats On Your Mind Bill, have been steadfastly doing NOTHING.

...It was not necessarily a goal of ours to utterly perfect our own personal techniques of massaging, and caressing our pubic regions...


Perhaps then it is a good thing that we have taken clammy hands off bodies, and pulled up a chair with Hassanal Bolkiah, The Sultan of Brunei!!!!!


What an honour, I must say! So without further ado;

Whats On Your Mind, Hassanal?

HB: I am a whimsical fantasy man! In my study I have a Bald Eagle who is covered, daily, in Gold Flakes! I am training him to be a special bird, of gold and majesty. Soon I will enter him sexually, and the both of us will fly - as one - to the top of the highest mountain.

WOYMB: That sounds pretty insane, if you don't mind me saying so.

HB: Insane to the mind of a proletariat. Your poorly trimmed facial hair, and lack of overall jewels, allow me to discern that you do not have the passion or drive to have sexual intercourse with an Eagle covered in Gold. You are a but a foot stool, and I the Shoulders of Atlas.

WOYMB: Well, I gotta say you did a pretty good job of insulting me, in the most nonsensical manor I have ever experienced.

HB: Fair enough, I am sorry if I offended you and your idiocy. As apology, if you can guess the desert that is under my hat, I will give it to you.

WOYMB: Um, OK...Is it a Banana Cream Pie?

HB: Yes!! IT IS! You miraculous spec of dirt! You are a magic scientist. I am putting you on my pay roll, straight away. Your new life will see you ingesting a lot of Mir, and eating Pies off of my bathroom floor, while I insert cans of paint into a Hippo's Asshole!

WOYMB: Holy shit! That sounds pretty insane, and I think I'm gonna have to pass....

HB: Your salary will be $750,000 per month.

WOYMB: Where do I sign?

Marko Marulic

Often times diplomats, politicians, other prominent figures are prone to taking the summer off, and visiting countries, with 'laxed sex laws, and the like...

Therefore, last summer, it was rather difficult pinning down these folk for interviews.

However; with the warm months now faded in the distance, a new crop of interviews has come into the fold.

Keen on getting the fall started on a productive note, we here at Whats On Your Mind Bill present;

Marko Marulic, Croatian National Poet, and one of the Fathers of modern Psychology!

So, Marko, Whats on Your Mind?

MM: Well, I have recently been rather active in the struggles of my people, against the Ottoman Turks. I have besieged Pope Alexander the VI with letters, however that louse will not hear my pleas, as he is too busy eating Hams, and sullying knaves.

WOYMB: Interesting. That Pope seems cool. Anyhoo, what else have you been up to?

MM: Well, one of my master works, Evanglistarium, outlining my thoughts on a concise discourse of ethical principles, has been taking up quite a bit of my time, quite frankly.

WOYMB: Sounds enthralling...So, why do you have such a long head? I feel as though I could surf on that motherfucker, you know? I could, like, open up a Mandarin buffet on your forehead, alone.

MM: Pardon?

WOYMB: Ya dude, you could totally pull off Bert for Halloween, you'd just need to find one of your homeboys, with a super round face, to be Ernie, and you'd be laughin'!

MM: Are you insulting my physical appearance?

WOYMB: Well, I wouldn't call it an insult. Its just kind of a literal observation - your head is long as fuck.

MM: No. I take that as an insult. I am offended.

WOYMB: It looks like an Eggplant. I'm totally transfixed! Longest head in the league, Marko.

MM: You sir, are worse than the Ottoman Turks.

WOYMB: I want to start a Long Head Hall of Fame, and I want you to be in it.

MM: Leave me, and my long head, to my studies.

WOYMB: Ok.

Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

Well, its been a while. We here at Whats On Your Mind Bill have been rather immersed in a summer drinking flurry. The downward trend of entries, is in direct relation to an upward swing in McDonald's consumption. For shame.


Alas, a new entry is to follow featuring Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, statesman, army officer, revolutionary, and first President of Turkey.



So without further a do, Whats on Your Mind Mustafa?

MKA: I am so happy for Roberto.

WOYMB: Pardon?

MKA: Robbie. You know, the greatest second baseman who ever lived. Are you going to catch the fucking taste, or not?

WOYMB: Oh! Ok, ya, Roberto Alomar! I heard he was just inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

MKA: Yes, you idiot. It is a superb honour. I have sent invitations for him to join me in my Bath. We will lie naked in oil, and become limber. Then we will take our naked and limber bodies to my batting cages, and hit dingers. Then we will have fruit punch, and watch the time when he hit that homerun off of Dennis Eckersley, in the playoffs.

WOYMB: Ya, that was quite the dong - however, can we talk about your rise to power, in Turkey, and your distingu-

MKA: No. Today is about Robert. I have also glove for him to sign. Also I have picked out a pair of my underpants, and have requested that he wear them during our exercising. I will then do private things with them.

WOYMB: That seems a little much, don't you think.

MKA: You are ignorant to my passions, sir. You are not a Robbie fan.

WOYBM: I like him just fine...I just wouldn't ask him to wear my underpants. It just seems kind of, you know, weird...So has he got back to you yet?

MKA: No. Turkish post is slow, as is the request of the Turkish People. Slow mail service is one of the pillars of our country. Also bathing in baths, and wearing underpants covered in the sweat of great major league baseball players. He should receive the notice within 90 days.

WOYMB: I'm not so sure that he will go for it.

MKA: You would not say that if you saw the fine paper that I wrote the request on. It was nice paper.

WOYMB: I'm going to leave now.

MKA: Leave your underpants.

Viktor Hambardzumyan

Well. Why not, right? Whats on Your Mind Bill presents famed Soviet-Armenian scientist, and one of the founders of theoretical astrophysics, Viktor Hambardzumyan!!!

So Viktor, whats on your mind?


VK: I am imaging a Universe, in which Banana's taste like Cheeseburgers, and the possession of these items will make you irresistible to the females, whom are equip with 3 vaginal openings.

WOYMB: Holy shit - What?

VK: I am sure that this exists - look...

WOYMB: Viktor, these are just scribbles on a napkin, and in the corner here it says 'creamed corn'. What the hell is going on here, dude?

VK: I have a space ship, you know? It features rockets, and lasers. I am having my comrade Bogdan install a special Space-Jukebox, so as to rock to my Compact Disc of Bad for Good: The Very Best of Scorpions. In space I will listen to 'No One Like You', and on Planet Zertroid I will cry into a bowl, while listening to 'Winds of Change'. I will be Emperor of Zertroid, as you are well aware.

WOYMB: I feel like you're a little over my head, here Vik...

VK: No fear, comrade. On Zertroid, you will have a special crevasse in which to fondle your body, and Zertroid fems will soothe you with their openings...But first I must inject you with this serum.

WOYMB: No injections for me, thanks. In fact, I think I should probably be heading out now...

VK: Insert your body into mine, and begin an adventure untold by Hollywood Minds.

WOYMB: Goodbye.

Domingo Faustino Sarmiento

The overwhelmingly positive response to Whats on Your Mind Bill is nothing short of Miraculous!

We are in tears of joy! Our tattered rags, and cardboard flooring rendered damp from happiness - and its all thanks to you, readers! Lets get to it then, shall we;

This installment features Activist, Intellectual, Writer, and 7th President of Argentina, Domingo Faustino Sarmiento!




So Domingo, whats on your mind?

DFS: I have lost Chorizo! My heart is shattered.

WOYMB: Dude, that sucks? Did it fall in the grooves of the 'Q or something? Happens alllll the time, and its always the best looking piece, eh?

DFS: No you fool! Chorizo is my Dog - my Dachshund! My poor Chorizo is gone - slipped out of the back gate, in the cool night air - and I am weeping for him today, sir.

WOYMB: So you didn't lose any pork then? Man, that's a relief! You had me going there!

DFS: You are more concerned with a tube of meat, that an actual Dog? You are not a good person.

WOYMB: Well, the Dog is kinda like a tube of meat anyway, right? When you think about it....

DFS: I am not happy with you.

WOYMB: ...And plus, I wouldn't even worry too much about it - if he slipped out of your back gate, its pretty wild out there, and I'm sure he was eaten pretty quick by Wolves, you know?

DFS: You are either a terrible person, or extremely stupid.

WOYMB: So listen, have you got any sausage? I'm famished!!!

DFS [begins to weep]